My pregnancy(s)
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids, being around them and getting to interact with them! I found out I was pregnant early August 2021. I was SO excited. We had just got married in June!!! My dream was finally coming true, I was going to be a mom.
But on August 29, 2021, my dream and entire life changed forever. I had an ectopic pregnancy and I didn’t know.
That Sunday morning, Louie left to go play golf and shortly after, my fallopian tube burst causing the most extreme pain I had ever felt. I knew something was not right. I called Louie and even after telling him I’d be ok and it would pass, he rushed home. Thank goodness. I was bleeding internally at a high rate and had no idea. He called the doctor who told us to come to the hospital right away. Once we got there, they wouldn’t let Louie come in with me because it was during Covid. I couldn’t talk, I was in unbearable pain and was barely awake. Louie thought so fast on his feet and called my phone, put it on speaker and handed it to me before they wheeled me in so he could speak for me and hear what was going on. Shortly after getting into the ER, I lost consciousness. I had lost 3.5 liters of blood. The nurses were yelling that they were “losing me” as Louie sat in the parking lot of the hospital on speaker phone. Then, they hung it up.
3.5 liters?! I had lost almost 80% of the blood in my body. Doctors report that you can loose up to 2 liters of blood before you would die.
I began receiving blood transfusion after blood transfusion after blood transfusion. I remember I kept asking for Louie and they wouldn’t let him in until they could get me stable. I also remember asking one of the doctors if I was going to die. I had no idea what was happening until a doctor came up to me and said “You are having an ectopic pregnancy and have lost a lot of blood. We need you to sign this paperwork. You need emergency surgery to remove your left fallopian tube.” At this point, they had finally allowed Louie in the room. I had SO many questions, worries, unknowns and concerns but the first thing my mind jumped to was “Will I still be able to have kids?” He said yes, I signed the papers and off I went.
The next few days/nights blurred together and I had no idea the trauma and impact this was about to have on me, my relationships and my outlook on life.
At first I was afraid to be alone. I thought something bad was going to happen again. Then all my hospital reports were being loaded on my portel and I was reading all the details of what actually happened to me. It was just too much to process and I was dealing with the PTSD of that day over and over again.
After about a week, I started to feel less afraid. But then it hit me. I was not pregnant. I had lost our baby and all my excitement, plans, hopes, and future was gone. I felt like I had lost everything. This was a very difficult time in life for me.
About a month later, I had a follow-up appointment and was cleared to “try again” whenever we felt ready. Of course I felt ready. I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to be a mom and have a baby of our own.
Fast forward another month. It was Halloween and we were at my sister-in-law’s house. She had recently found out she was pregnant with her first. Leaving her house that day, I just knew. I knew I was pregnant. I wasn’t late, I just knew. Without Louie knowing, I took a test when we got home. I went downstairs set my phone timer and tried to distract myself. Before I walked back into the bathroom I took a deep breath and paused. I said to myself - it’s ok, it’s ok if I’m not. I have one fallopian tube, I know it’s not going to be as easy this time. IT IS OK.
When I saw the positive test, I was shocked. I felt excited for a second and then went into complete panic. I worried that everything that happened before would happen again. I sobbed… with like 10% excitement and 90% fear. I went downstairs, showed Louie the test, and then went into the bathroom, laid on the floor and just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I had a lot of tests and ulta sounds because I was consistered high risk until we could confirm the egg had implanted in my uterus. During that time, I was breaking down at work, crying in the bathroom, having panics attacks, frantically calling my doctor asking to be seen. I was a mess and just couldn’t be happy or relax. And I just wanted to be so excited, so badly.
Soon, we got that confirmation, we heard a heartbeat, we did the genetic testing and we were over the moon to know we were having a baby girl!
My pregangy was a little tough. I was sick a lot. But I had a healthy baby and that’s all that mattered.
For all the women out there who have struggled and those who are in the thick of it, know you aren’t the only one. There any so many others out there going through something similar, who are hurting like you and feel so alone. I know it doesn’t make it easier. Honestly, having a baby doesn’t heal it all. I thought it would. Of course I am grateful for our daughter, but I still deal with the PTSD, trama and the feeling of loosing a baby every single day. Talking about my loss and my story helped me. I realized all my feelings were “normal” and I felt like I was able to create a good support system.
If you ever feel like sharing your story or need someone to just listen, I hope you reach out!
